Wow, it’s been awhile since Granny stopped by for some good southern social media advice. For those of you who haven’t met granny, you’re in for a surprise. Word of warning, she is not shy and will tell you how it is. You can choose to agree with her or not. Either way she’ll either make ya’ laugh, cry or want to throw a vegatable of some sort at her!
With no further delay, I’ll turn it over to her.
Hi social savvy guru wanna be’s! I know it’s been awhile folks. I’ve been busy at the farm in Mayberry. I decided it was not a priority for me to be a social media guru. All of you are already gurus so I figured I might as well just let you have your place on the stage and I’ll sit back and drink some lemonade, hang out on FourSquare and teach my local peeps to tweet.
Below are a few things I have learned the past few months while I was away. As always take em’ or leave em’, I don’t care. Some of them are old hat news as I know ya’ need to hear it 15 times before it will get into that hard head of yours. Some of the tips are new, or at least new to me!
1. If ya’ ain’t got nothin nice, useful or relevant to say then shut yer dang yapper.
2. Is social media really as hard as you make it? Be a friend to get a friend. Speak when spoken to otherwise sit there, smile, be kind and don’t fart while on video!
3. First off, what happened with the Facebook IPO? I could have told ya’ that from the start. We don’t need no financial guru to tell us it’s over valued. Uncle Charlie called that one a year ago. He’s a smart chicken.
4. I’m not sayin’ Zuckerbird isn’t smart. I’m just sayin’ there are a few smarter chickens.
5. Yes, I sometimes call him Zuckerbird. It’s not a typo.
6. How are all them purchased followers workin’ out for ya’? Ya’ can’t buy real friends. They can only be earned via the heart.
7. The heartbeat of social media really is people. Even mean ol’ Aunt Bessie is part of the heartbeat. She just makes mine beat too fast some days which is why I tell her to stick a sock in it.
8. I got me a smart mobile phone. If ya’ ain’t got one, get one. Even if it doesn’t make you smarter, you’ll feel smarter than all your friends who don’t have em’.
9. I finally got uncle Gertrude on Twitter. He is addicted almost like the old days. Remember he lost that thumb in the typerwriter. He can still type faster than Zuckerbird’s timeline.
10. Quit spammin’ your social network already! If you would put as much time into somethin’ worth somethin’ to yer followers as you do those dang spam posts, you wouldn’t have to get advice from a crazy 90 year old granny!
11. JCPenney is one of the last biz’s that can get away with coupons. Why on horses feet did they take out those coupons? They obviously didn’t ask anyone in Mayberry as we would have told em’ how dumb they were to do such.
12. Don’t be afraid to be you. There is only one you. Quit postin’ like you are the winner of Grits Across America on Saturday mornings from that fake Twitter account. It’s only a matter of time before it catches up to you in real life. We all know you can’t cook worth a darn.
13. Social media is real life. Quit fakin’ like it’s not.
14. Are you still worryin’ about that influece score? Get over it already. Nobody can brand you with a number. Believe the number at your own peril.
15. Be careful on Pinterest. Someone took a photo of aunt Lunette at the hair salon with curlers in her hair. OOOh did Mayberry have a hey day with that. I thought Lunette was going to blow the lid off the boiled peanuts!
16. Pinterest is a smart site. I like it. Easy, cheesey to post photos. I need to get me some more Pinterest.
17. If you post photos of grits on Pinterest, don’t forget to add the butter. Who eats grits without butter? I saw a whole board of grits the other day and none of them had butter on em’. #Fail!
18. Yup, I learned how to use hashtags. Hashtags and hashbrowns are not the same thing even if cousin Wilma thinks they are. Just remember, hashbrowns are for eatin’ and hashtags are for tweetin’!
19. Tweeter is a good site for connectin’ with folks. Don’t ignore it. Don’t tell me none of yer friends are on Twitter until you really know that is a fact. I’ll bet ya’ a salisbury steak with an extra roll that they are.
20. Be nice to those Journalism friends of yours. I am seein’ a lot of them start to get the hang of social. I hope they stick around.
21. Shut yer yapper at least once a day! Listen more than ya’ speak. Ya’ might learn something you can share later.
22. Quit delaying getting on social because of the skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows your sales team can’t spell, tweet or hold a conversation. You’re going to have to deal with it at some point so it might as well be now.
23. Yes, we saw those photos of you at the Christmas party on Facebook. It’s okay. Happens to the best of us. Even uncle Albert fell down New Years eve after too much dancin’. They posted photos of him all over the social web with slobber coming out his mouth and chocolate icing on his nose. He wasn’t even drunk as a skunk like you were!
24. I like me some Foursquare. I get some good deals with those check-ins at the country market.
25. I am the Mayor of the hair salon, market, pet store and my house. Darn Gertrude is practically the mayor of everywhere else. Aunt Harrietta is still mayor of the tavern though. Go figure. She’s a floozy!
26. There is no king or queen of social media. It is not content. It is not conversation. It is not engagement. Quit arguing about it. It’s nothing but blog blah blah blah to keep your blog rankings up. You know it’s true.
27. Content is not a new shiny object invented with social media. It’s been around for decades so quit getting your panties in a bunch over it. Go back to marketing 101 if you need to figure out what it is.
28. If your CEO doesn’t want to do social media quit arguing with him or her. Just go do it on the side and share the results after a few weeks.
29. If you don’t want to risk your job by doin’ social media moonlighting like described above, then try sharing a real plan with your CEO. Talk to them in words they understand like revenue, goals and objectives.
30. If ya’ ain’t got a plan, goals and objectives for social then ya’ ain’t that smart are ya’? Plan yer work & work yer plan!
31. Social media is still not going to save yer biz. Take the skeletons out of the closet and deal with them. It’s like to tryin’ to save burnt cookies. Sometimes ya’ just got to throw em’ out and start over.
32. Don’t spend all day braggin’ about yourself. Give other people a chance to self promote obnoxiously too.
33. You need to fit Facebook into yer biz, not the other way around. Yes, it’s going to take work. Ya’ think I like washing Gertrude’s clothes? Heck no. However, I do it because he takes me to the store every day. I am not sure what that has to do with Facebook, but I am sure it’s something.
34. Failure is not a person, it is a one time event. If you have failed, get over it. Get out there and try again.
35. How many times do I have to tell you to quit doing random stuff in your marketing and biz. Random acts of marketing (RAMs) are for the birds and the Zuckerbirds. He loves when you do RAMs as he makes lots of money. Plan yer work & work yer plan and you won’t have to be so random.
36. Are you not getting retweeted? Why don’t ya’ look in the mirror, look at the avatar, look at your tweets. Would you retweet them? If not, time to start over.
37. If ya’ lose a follower, who cares. There are plenty more where they came from.
38. I am not going to join your mafia, read all the rumors you’ve read about me, join your get rich over night scam or fake cnbc posting. I may have been born and raised in Mayberry but I am one social savvy granny so give it up!
39. You know you are addicted to social media if you take that smart phone or iPad into the toilet every time you go.
40. If ya’ take the smart phone and iPad into the potty please wipe both your hands and the smart devices. If not, that is sick and wrong like donkey kong!
41. Quit tellin’ me I shouldn’t tweet so much or I should tweet more, or I shouldn’t tweet so late or so early in the morning. Helllooo! I am a 90 yr old granny who can’t sleep past 6:00 am. I will tweet whenever the heck I want. Get a life and quit bossin’ mine!
42. I have learned that for every troll or bully or crabby patty who unfollows me or wines there are five more good ones out there. Focus on the good eggs and you’ll do just fine.
43. If you could change one thing about your social media presence what would it be? Me, I would be a faster typer. I can hardly type on that dang smart phone. They need to make a smarter keyboard.
44. Social media and social business are not the same thing. Even I know that and I don’t spend near as much time as you do readin’ them blogs, tweetin’ and snooping on my neighbors on Facebook.
45. You know you snoop on your neighbors on Facebook. If you tell me you don’t, it’s as bad as Gertrude tellin’ me he didn’t eat the last piece of cornbread.
46. Be careful who ya’ trust for advice on social media and social business. If they ain’t doing it themselves chances are they can’t do it for you either. Would ya’ let somebody cut yer hair that never cut hair before? I sure hope ya’ would be smart enough not to!
47. Make yer blogs easy to read please. Those white fonts on black are for the birds. Even Zuckerbird knows better than that.
48. Make yer blog posts easy to share. Sorry, this granny has fat fingers. If I have to type the blog post title and your twitter name I am goin’ else where honey, sorry!
49. Be realistic. I know you are hopin’ to make it rich on the social interwaves. However, if you are not providin’ value it ain’t gonna happen girlfriend and boyfriend. It might be time for you to get a real job and feed those kids of yers!
50. Just because someone follows ya’ does NOT mean they are your true friend. Get to know more than their twitter handle before ya’ start passin’ out yer phone number.
Bonus Tip: If ya’ see a really bad picture of me on Pinterest will you please give me a heads up before you tweet it? I promise to do the same for you. I’ll send ya’ some free cupcakes if it is one with curlers in my head. That’s my worst nightmare.
What do ya’ think? Pretty good for an ol’ granny heh? What tips ya’ got of yer own? Do you like to tweet about grits or hashbrowns? What advice can you offer those that may read this and think I’m crazy? I don’t really care what they think, as I am just bein’ me. I’ll let you take care of them, okay!?