Here's an email I received the other day. It illustrates how not to sell via email (and is included here exactly as I received it):
MY NAME IS MARC BATKE I LIVE IN CALGARY ALBERTS
CANADA.I WORK WITH ONE OF THE TOP INVESTMENT BANKERS IN THE COUNTRY HIS NAME IS
KURT SOOST. WE ARE CREATING A #1 SALES PERSON NETWORK IN DIFFERENT INDUSTRIES,WE
ARE GOING AFTER PEOPLE THAT WANT TO BE MORE PROACTIVE AND PREVENTATIVE ABOUT
THEIR HEALTH.IF YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED THEN PLEASE SEND ME A SHORT E-MAIL OR
CALL ME TOLL FREE AT 1-(555)555-5555 EXT
# 216
This is probably just spam, and not a legitimate sales email. But nonetheless, it offers an opportunity for analysis. And those who know me that it's difficult for me to pass up an opportunity to analyze something.
So, with this in mind, here are the problems with Marc's email from a successful selling point-of-view:
1. It is all in upper case text.
This makes it difficult to read and doesn't follow accepted conventions of email communication or common sense. MOST PEOPLE KNOW UPPER CASE TEXT IN AN EMAIL SETTING IS EQUIVALENT TO SHOUTING IN A CONVERSATIONAL SETTING.
2. The email is all about the sender, not about the recipient.
Marc, if you're going to market via email, don't make the communication about you and the "top investment banker" you work with. As a consumer, I don't care about you or him. And no recipient would. I only care about me. Send an email about me and what you can do for me.
3. Alberta is misspelled.
If you really live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, you should really know how to spell your province. I know how to spell Minnesota, after all. I'm just sayin'...
4. Make it clear with you're offering or selling.
"We are creating a #1 sales person network in different industries" and "we are going after people that want to be more proactive and preventative about their health..."
Huh?
5. Don't "go after people."
Really? You're "going after people?" Gee, sounds great to an email recipient! Where do I sign up? Thanks for "going after" me, Marc! I'm anxious to be associated with someone who "goes after people" via email. That's just what most people want, a salesperson who proudly announces "We're going after people" to his prospects.
6. It's simply too confusing.
So Marc, you're working with an investment banker...okay, I get that.
But you say you're creating a "#1 sales person network." Hmmm...I'm not sure what a "#1 sales person network" is and I'm not sure why an investment banker would be creating one.
And you're creating a #1 sales person network in "different industries." Whoops...you totally lost me there. Why different industries? And you and your investment banker buddy or boss are looking for people who "want to be more proactive about their health?" Why would an investment banker be looking for people who want to be more proactive about their health? This is simply way too confusing.
Do I smell MLM???
You lost me [press delete button].
7. It has a weak call to action.
"If you might be interested" is very weak, especially when it's not clear what I'm supposed to be interested in.
"I need four people in your industry and already have three. If you think you could possibly be the fourth person to join us, call me directly at my office before April 12 at 1 pm Eastern and we'll talk" would be much stronger.
Marc, please mail me $2500 for that advice because I'm "going after" business people who write poor sales emails.
8. It's a generally accepted principle of writing that one places periods at the end of each sentence, and a space after each period.
I count three missed periods, one missed comma, a comma used where a period should have been used, and a bunch of missed spaces after periods.
My third grade daughter knows you put periods after each sentence and a space after each period. Why don't you know this, Marc? In fact, my daughter knew this in second grade. Come to think of it, she knew this in first grade ("grade one" for you, Marc, in Canada).
Hold up. Wait a minute. Hmmm. Marc? Are you a...kindergartner?
Now I get it, Marc! Okay, look, log off of mommy's computer now, and go tell her you've been using her computer to send poorly written spam sales emails.
And tell Mommy the caps lock is on.
NOW GO HAVE A TIME OUT.