Zuck, baby, what's up big guy WAAZZUP! (virtual fist punch.....left hanging). We haven't heard much from you lately, so I thought I'd drop a line. Wow, what a crazy few months it's been for Facebook, huh man! I mean with the IPO, and subsequent stock crash, or its "corrective recapitalization" (don't worry, Zuck, nobody pays attention to those Wall Street namby pambies anyway-they don't get visionaries like you and me. By the way, have you had time to look over that idea I sent you a few months back? No biggie if you haven't- I've been swamped too).
Anyway, I was thinking the other day, "I bet Zuck needs some good, solid advice-not that pre-packaged ivy-league crap he's doubtless getting from those sycophants sucking the life out of him ( I hate that garbage... that's why I let most of my staff go years ago); no, he needs an old friend to give it to him straight.
Well, I'm here for you, buddy.
Here's how I see things as they stand right now. You've got a boatload of cash -kind of. I don't really get all the numbers being thrown around, but I know Google's revenue is like 10X that of Facebook, and that they have more cash flow than you have revenue (Don't bum out: they may have 50 million in cash, but your still way cooler than those guys. I mean Larry Page? Come on...). Money isn't everything, though. That's what those eggheads over in Mountain View will never get.
It's all about the people.
Remember back when Eric Schmidt finally admitted as much, saying (when I twisted his arm enough) Google had "missed the boat" on the whole social networking thing? Well, they have. A year on, they're still waiting for their Google+ ship to come in. Looking at February's numbers from comScore, it looks like they may be waiting a long time.
My point is, when it comes to total users - as well as user engagement - Facebook is absolutely killing it. I mean, you own social media, brah, you OWN it!
Dude, you've got like a BILLION users giving you all that free data every day (don't sweat the whole privacy thing, either. It's just a bunch of people with their undies in a bundle. Most users don't really give a toss about their data privacy, as long as you keep doling out the goods for free. Remember, man, like I've told you many times, for most users, practicality trumps principle).
Remember that link I recently sent you a while ago-the one that talks about Nielson's 2012 Global Online Consumer Survey (check your spam filter). Apparently, 92% of consumers surveyed said that recommendations from friends are the leading purchase influencer. You've gotta love those numbers, buddy!
It doesn't matter, because you've got them all by the cojones. Just don't forget, you've got all the data.
Speaking of which, that Facebook Exchange idea is a brilliant one (you must've gotten my email on that a while back. No big deal-what comes around goes around, right Zuck?). Forget those suckers over on Madison Avenue; I say bleed 'em dry! They've always been jealous of you, anyway...
By the way, before I forget, you really need to drop everything and develop some sort of augmented reality vision dealio to take out Google Glass, or Glasses, whatever their called; I'm so sick of Sergei running around with them on like he's friggin' Tony Stark (I hate that guy).
Your specs need a really tight name, too. Nothing kitschy like "Google Glasses" (I mean, really?). I'm thinking Facebook's got to be in the name, just having trouble working it in with lorgnette, monocle, or pince-nez...still concepting this one- I'll shoot something over when I lock it down.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, we miss you, man! Heck, I miss you...things just haven't been the same since the IPO. Don't worry buddy, I get it - new wife (how is Priscilla, anyway? Plant a big one on her for me), new publicly-traded company, empires to expand, yada, yada.
I just want to make sure my main man doesn't get an attitude...I mean, it's not like you're THAT BIG of a deal...(uncomfortable pause).
By the way, I never got an invitation to the wedding. No worries, I'm sure it was some crazy SNAFU with my Facebook mail account or something; what with the big IPO and all, I was pretty booked that weekend anyway....
Take care, Zuck, and remember - we love ya, buddy.
Info-Graphic Courtesy of Nielson
Photo Courtesy of USA Today