FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Inflation and cost cutting measures cause company to urge employees to save money through a variety of initiatives.
Silicon Valley (NOT) April 1, 2011 -Due to rising inflation and the desire to economize, SEO startup SEOCause has introduced toilet paper rationing.
The company notes that their work force is made up of hundreds of college-age males who eat a lot of food. They have noticed the number of rolls of toilet paper used per day has dramatically increased as the company has grown. Combined with the rising cost of commodities such as cotton, it was time to make some changes.
"I made a trip to Walmart last week and the supplies that were purchased were gone in about 3 days (the supplies should have lasted at least one to two weeks). For both productivity and cost savings, effective immediately, I'm only buying toilet paper every two weeks," said the company purchaser.
Walmart CEO Bill Simon recently stated that American consumers could face "serious" inflation in the coming months for clothing, food and other products, including cotton.
"I'll restock supplies tomorrow. They need to last two weeks this time or you'll be stuck bringing your own toilet paper or going to nearby businesses to use the facilities," she noted. "Let's all work together to make the supplies last." As a guide employees were told to count the number of squares used and to use no more than 5 squares per visit. To increase productivity, she also suggested employees wait until their lunch break to use the restroom.
Employees were encouraged to "be green" and watch the resources used, including water usage. They were urged to keep flushing to a minimum and not to let the faucet run while washing their hands. There will be a drawing with prizes such as candy bars from the Dollar Store to reward those who comply.
"While we try to provide free pizza on occasion (limit of 2 slices each) and a work casual environment, we are not Silicon Valley," noted Brent Seed. "Companies there go overboard. Besides department lunches, Cisco has a cafeteria, massages and yoga classes! Startups have cupboards full of pop-tarts! They take their employees go-kart racing and bowling." It's ridiculous, he notes. "On their dual-income salaries they could save a lot of money and offset those costs better. It's not our job to feed and clothe you, your wife, or your 4 kids trying to live on $30k per year."
In individual department meetings, managers will review the policy and demonstrate the proper amount allowable. Employees will be required to record and report the number of squares used per day on a shared spreadsheet. If supplies run out too early, employees will be asked to bring rolls from home.
As for employee morale? It's in the toilet.
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Thanks to my friend Jason at Jibberjobber and Dilbert for the inspiration. If you got laid off from a job at any point, you'll appreciate his new service for job seekers (be sure to read his brilliant press release). Oh, and HAPPY APRIL FOOLS to economizers and SEO companies everywhere!
